A Strange First Post

Losing a friend to a discussion I don't understand is hard.
______________________________________


I'm not a fan of conflict and misunderstanding. For obvious reasons, of course. Yet it seems this life is just full of opportunities to make the people you care about angry, sad, and just downright confused. They say 'no man is an island', and I certainly agree with that sentiment. In this world of social media, people of all creeds, colors, and beliefs can (and should) communicate with almost any other person across this world, in essence to anyone of the whole of the current human family. That absolutely blows my mind.

This week I quit Facebook. Yes, I committed social suicide (in more ways than one, though I hardly had a social life anyway). I don't know if I'll go back yet or not, and maybe not for typical let's-pull-the-plug-and-stop-wasting-time reason.

I might be described as a waste of space (by myself). I also might be called hard-headed, ignorant, unsympathetic, and misguided. And I might especially be described as such when it comes to subjects like gay and transgender issues (or LGBT, for wont of shortening and hopefully not demeaning an enormous and heavily-emotion-laden can of worms). Without offering too much by way of information about my own personal demons (along with a hearty dose of MDD), I do struggle with my own identity and purpose here on earth. But then, who doesn't on this green-blue earth wonder about themselves from time to time? As social media is (or was) my only real connection to a lot of my friends who have more active and fulfilling lives than I do, I liked to post things on my feed that genuinely interested me.

I posted a link to a far-from-universally-accepted blogger about something I genuinely don't understand. Click the link if you dare, I suppose. Honestly, I did so simply because I think the story of Bruce Jenner is interesting. Sad, but interesting. (For the record, he made his story public thought very public interviews, so I reserve the right to publicly discuss. Just throwing that out there.) I can't imagine going through decades of my life struggling with something not many people understand or even acknowledge as a problem. And I don't assume to have any real understanding of his full story, either. But one paragraph connected with me in Matt Walsh's blog, and I shared that as the headline to my shared post:

"In truth, we do have souls and we do have bodies. Only, it’s not totally accurate to say that we “have” either. We don’t have them, we are them. We are both our souls and our bodies. The latter is not merely a cage or a shell for the former. The two are inextricable, and together they form one. A single nature. A single person. So if your body is a man, so is your soul, and if your soul is a man, so is your body. If you begin to believe otherwise, the problem is not with your soul or with your anatomy, but with your perception of these things."

Matt Walsh isn't one to mince words, and his writing style can certainly come off as flippant, especially due to the sensitive nature of his topics. Especially this one, as the word 'cruel' came up a few times in my social media feed. I never once said I agreed with his article, or even part of it. I simply thought it was interesting. But if you share something inflammatory, I suppose you must own up to its purpose in being there. I didn't. I didn't think I needed to. So, lesson one for me, don't post things for the hell of it - if you aren't a passionate poster, don't bother. I guess.

Anyway, the reason I found this paragraph intriguing was its description of the soul. I don't know if I fully believe it the way Matt described it. But something really connected: God places us all here on Earth to see if we will do what He commands. Here's an excellent page from LDS.org about the purpose of life, and one about the preexistence of our spirits. If God deemed it beneficial for some of his female spirits to be born in male bodies (or vice verse), that would certainly be a monumental challenge at best, would it not? Families, social scientists, and even entire civilizations are confused at the nature of the transgender at this very moment. How much more so is the grief and confusion of each individual struggling to come to terms with their own feelings, temptations, and struggles?

Here comes my more controversial view on subject. My ignorant, basis-less opinion on a subject I know nothing about. Ready? Because I'm not. Are you? I hope so. Here goes: I don't think surgery, chemical and hormone therapy, or any physical change to your body is the right path. Honestly, if you believe God gave you the wrong gender body on your way out of Heaven, I think surgical gender change should be the last and ultimate way of bringing yourself peace in this life.

Why?

Something is wrong. Something intrinsic, something basic. You feel attractions you shouldn't. Your emotions don't match up to your circumstances. You act in strange ways, and explaining your thoughts and feelings to friends and family becomes a fruitless endeavor. Everyone around you looks in control and well-put-together, while you feel like a nervous wreck and a defective model off the production line. You try to make your thoughts shut up, at least for a while, but they come back. They always come back. Like an itch you can't scratch, but worse: an itch that (you think) is painfully obvious to everyone you love. Your actions damn you. Your own thoughts damn you. You think you'll never reach your full potential, and trying will only put you in a larger, more uncomfortable spotlight. Asking 'why' only casts more confusion. Asking 'why me' only makes you angry at yourself and God. And between society and religion, there seem to exist no peace-giving answers.

That's me. That's my thought pattern. I live like that. And I would love a lobotomy (kidding not kidding), or some science-fiction procedure to come to light that would fix my thought patterns and my habits. But neither is going to happen. And even if they did, though tempting they would be... I'd choose to be as I am.

Lehi taught his sons near the end of his life in the book of 2 Nephi that there are things to act and things to be acted upon. Such a unique scripture, but one with immense power. In life, there are things you can control and things you can't. I believe one of the pivotal  'test questions' of this mortal existence are figuring out which is which and acting accordingly. Another of these portions of the celestial test (perhaps an annoyingly hard 500-word essay) is gaining control of the way you personally think and feel. Your 'reaction' button, if you will. Your 'berserk' button, at worst. Your 'act or be acted upon' system.

I don't believe changing your physical body with hormones or scalpels will do anything positive to improve your inner turmoil. Maybe I'm wrong - maybe a different concoction of chemicals and hormones in the right measurements and times can bring peace. Maybe some if not all of our spiritual challenges in life all come down to nerve receptors and grey matter. Maybe the secret to eternity can be found in glandular management.

God intends us to trust Him. Yet revelation has shown that medical science is one of His most powerful gifts to the modern world that can bring peace and happiness to His children. If a surgical option existed that 'fixed' me and my depression, I would be on an operating table tomorrow. But would it be right? Would it be a solution, or an easy way out? Or is the nature and flaws of our souls more complex than our biological parts alone?

Again, I am an ignorant and selfish bastard with no real dog in the LGBT debate or place in the community. I don't dare assume to know the hearts of others when I don't understand mine. But I do know that God loves His children. Whether you were born a man and know you should be female, or a female that believes their male body was an incorrect biological happenstance, your Father wants nothing more than to see you again and grant you immortality and eternal life through the power of the Priesthood. Male and female, that's His goal. He's said so. Not only that, Father knows exactly how each and every one of us can reach it. No matter how seemingly insurmountable the obstacle, even if that obstacle is gender, the Atonement and eternity will make amends for that which we cannot overcome alone. This I have faith in, and I make no assumptions of any knowledge beyond this.

Facebook is a terrible forum for ideas. And I am a terrible person when it comes to presenting my own thoughts and intentions. If my words here inflict any pain or seem cruel in any way, please forgive me. If my stupid, previous (and now deleted) Facebook post offended you, know that I offended myself with its bluntness. As I usually do. I have my own challenges to overcome and lessons to learn. And while I won't place my particular burdens on anyone reading this (though I may at a later date, God willing), I have nothing but admiration and love for anyone able to carry on with their unique day-to-day challenges and manage to look halfway composed. If you're reading this, that includes you.

After all, this life is all about maintaining an image, right? That's what Facebook taught me. Boy, I'm tired of putting on masks. Not tired of making them, just of wearing them.

But more about masks later. :)